Tag Archives: bad parenting tips

A bit of a rant but is it really just me who feels this way?

Dear Emma,

Well, we’re crashing towards Christmas and it’s all set to be the season of discontent round here. I mean let’s face it, this month is the ultimate test of your parenting abilities or lack thereof.

And who the hell invented Christingle anyway, which in this family starts with the children pilfering any spare change before fighting over the candle and is followed by setting light to the kid in front’s hair with the flame before a quick trip to casualty after one of them has poked the other in the eye with the cocktail stick. And whoever thought playing “orange” bowling whilst waiting in A&E was going to be a good idea. What Christian message can I possibly extract from all that?untitled (42)

But that was last year and this month I surpassed myself by forgetting the service altogether and then collaborating with my beloved and coming up with an excessively elaborate lie about why we hadn’t taken them to the service.  You know when you’re pretend crying and faking a candle wax allergy, you may have taken things too far!

And then this week there’s:

  •  The first of the nativity plays (cue my child being the only child with, dare I admit it, a grubby tea towel on his head amidst the other bespoke nativity costumes but at least I didn’t, like previous years, induce a febrile convulsion in my child by over heating them in a sheep costume. And yes I say “first of the nativity plays” because I’ve got a total of 4 performances to sit through which is more than any parent should have to endure).
  • Christmas hat day (am I really going to be judged on my ability to read the school newsletter and digest this gem of a pain in the arse activity).
  • The school disco (oh that’s only 6 trips to the school in one day then as all my children have different disco slots and don’t get me started on the clothes).
  • The “take a home made decoration to school day” (why can’t they make that in school – I’m beginning to get hysterical!).
  • The make a Boomerang and a Didgeridoo day. Just don’t ask.
  • School open day (a complete cop out on the school’s part, when any self respecting parent is made to smile desperately at 22 meaningless school books and wonder why they can’t just give us an end of term report instead – that’s 45 minutes of my life I’ll never get back!)

December 2010 051

And how is it that, with only 10 days left of this long and agonising term, I’ve only just realised that my daughter doesn’t have any shoes, school socks or shirts and that my middle son has been wearing his sisters trousers to school for the last 10 weeks!

And they call this the season of good will and wonder why most mothers secretly slip into a gin bottle at the first reasonable opportunity. Bring back Scrooge – all is forgiven! Surely next week will be easier?

Ah dear…………..

My dearest Lucy,

Reading your letter was a great comfort to me, I think most people, well when I say “people” I of course mean parents feel that if they take their eyes of their kids for an instant all hell breaks loose. This week, however, it was me who should not have been left unsupervised.

Monday :  kids all coated and scarved up so where are my ….king car keys…….. scramble through my pockets, through the children’s pockets and finally have a moment of lucidity, try the handbag. This was to lead me to the answer, but not quite in the way you may expect. Whilst rifling frantically through what can only be described as the “turdis” of handbags I come across a chicken fillet wrapped in cellophane. I know exactly where the car keys are. They are of course in the freezer where the chicken fillet should have been. Now even though I desperately want to find the keys in the short term, there is an enormous part of me that wants to be wrong about the freezer thing………….. but there they are, all nice and cold……… my sanity however, has left the building.


How to parent badly!

Wednesday : Milk off, race to the garage on the roundabout. Fill up with diesel hastily, race back to the car and get in the drivers seat. A really sweet, quite attractive lady is sitting next to me in the passenger seat. “Hello there”, she says calmly. It takes me what feels like a lifetime to slowly look straight at this lovely lady and say “I’m in the wrong car aren’t I?” I gather myself and with one eye closed look over to the car next to me and there are my lovely children gazing on in disbelief. I do my best mortified face, apologise profusely and scuttle out of the car. I am welcomed to my actual car with “you did it again didn’t you Mummy?” . There are no words.

Thursday : My youngest daughter has announced that she would like to change her name by deed poll to Howard. She is wearing Austin Powers glasses and her hair in a side pony tail. I think this is as a direct result of my parenting. I calmly ask her if it’s nice having a Mummy like me. There is a considered silence and then “it’s tricky to explain Mummy, you’re um, different?” I’ve gone off that word. Different.

Madness of motherhood

It shouldn’t happen to a dog

Friday : Next week I will do better. I will not be different, I will be sophisticated, conventional, inspirational and moreover professional! Two glasses down, only 7pm………………… : )