Mutual madness, it’s a family thing and relatively cheap.

My darling Lucy, today is the last day of 2014 and I am sitting here reflecting on the year that was and trying to put some of my mayhem mishaps into some kind of palatable context. Do you ever find yourself standing in a very public place where you have just either fallen over or realised you have odd shoes on (Tesco for me this morning – both the shoes and the fall) and think, why do these things keep happening to me? Well hence my reflection this afternoon. So I started to think about the people and animals that I am surrounded by and how actually so many of my “moments” are infact down to them. I was having a proper heart to heart with Alice yesterday, a really good chat about some stuff that was bothering her about life and love and mid sentence she just fell off the back of the sofa. This was surreal enough but her reaction to this was to quite simply get back up and carry on as if nothing had happened. It is only at this precise moment that I think this is slightly odd, at the neither her or I found it even worth stopping our conversation for. I spend a lot of time with my daughter, no wonder her lunacy is rubbing off on me. Then there is Ed who I found in the garage this morning, minus 5 degrees wearing a bobble hat, his pyjamas and some ski boots working out on a kitchen table bench. “Morning darling” I greeted him, “and this?” to which I got the response “I have to get fitter Em, I dropped a load of your HRT pills this morning and Spencer tried to eat them all, I didn’t like the idea of a menopausal Labrador so I’ve decided to get into shape, please don’t interrupt me again”.

It’s not me is it?

Talking of Spencer, he has so far eaten a delivery driver’s Big Mac and quarter pounder from his truck cab, a poor fisherman’s squid bait on the beach and a child’s ice lolly from it’s pram, this along with carting me through the local pub’s bar to take me out the other side without even so much as a by or leave. Re-entering the pub from a totally different side red faced and out of breath with Spencer still dragging me at break neck speed was quite something to be enjoyed.

And then there are the moments when I really do have to take total responsibility for my utter stupidity. Applying Veet to the ol’ bikini line and then forgetting you’ve done it and totally disintegrating a brand new pair of knickers is nobody else’s fault than my own as is reporting my car stolen to the police because it wasn’t on the drive when I got home only to discover I had driven to school and walked home. Walking the dog with a total stranger only to come home and find that I hadn’t taken the old make up off the night before and had just done a circuit of a lovely field with a truly delightful gent looking like tomorrow’s Alice Cooper. Timing the venison cooking for boxing day to the minute then realising I’d forgotten to switch the oven on. All these beauties are more own doing and with the help of some mind blowing sloe gin and saucepans full of mulled wine, I not only regret none of them but probably won’t remember any of them by next year! So, my lovely friend, here is to a hugely successful 2014 and chin chin to more of the same in the new year! mayhem 4 mayhem alice mayhem spencer

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