The real Christmas

 

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Oh Christmas comes but once a year,

And every house is filled with cheer.

But all I know is that I am shattered,

And my dirty old house is tired and tattered.

I’ve drunk the gin and all the wine,

And it’s not even breakfast time!

I’ve drunk the vodka and the port

And Christmas pudding? Abort! Abort!

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The dog has eaten all the bacon,

My wine drenched body is really achin’.

And now I’ve drunk the whisky too,

And cooked mince pies up as a stew.

The kids have stolen all the presents,

The dog has killed the local pheasants.

The sherry, well it came in handy,

I washed it down with a small brandy.

It turns out Santa is a drunk

I found him sleeping in Monty’s bunk

Old Granddad drank up all the hooch

and then he tried to have a smooch,

With Booby’s mother from next door,

And she turned out to be a …

Now I’m sitting on the ward,

Pulling crackers, looking bored.

The nurse says I’ll go home tomorrow ,

A happy face I’ll need to borrow.

But never mind it’s Boxing day,

And all that happiness – has gone away!

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