Mayhem, mud and magnificent mutts!


How to parent badly!

Oh Lucy, my love, that sounds seriously damp and miserable! I see it is still raining out there today which nice… I feel almost guilty to tell that we are still above water (you note the “almost” there) although almost in sympathy for you I have seen to it that I have not exactly remained dry or clean. I think it will become clear to see that even though I turn year younger every January, it’s not exactly my finest month…

We started the new year with a small shoplifting mishap. I am pleased to tell you that the Falize/Skeates family are all still without criminal record but the same cannot be said for the dog. On the lead, behaving beautifully outside the village shop – this should have set off alarm bells immediately – whilst the girls were choosing some sweets. It was instant I tell you, and nearly pulled my elbow from its socket. Before I knew it, I was being yanked into the shop by my left arm, Spencer had made a bee line for the three remaining bread rolls on the bottom shelf (I mean, that really is doggy retail brainwashing surely) he grabbed them and then took me in the opposite direction whilst I was still at full tilt the other way……….. this rendered me horizontal and on the floor of the village shop. As it had happened to fast, the shop assistants hadn’t even seen the crime or who committed it so as far as they were concerned, I was just on the floor, in their shop  for no apparent reason. Sadly, I am relatively  well known in the village so none of this seemed out of the ordinary until it was noticed that there was no more bread………. Spencer’s ASBO has now been joined by a shoplifting charge, I ashamed to call him my son.

I have had a birthday this month which was interesting. For the first time since I was 7 I had the bumps in my own kitchen. My only consolation for this moment of humiliation and close call vomiting was the amount of seemingly fit looking husbands who thought this would be a good idea and “a bit of fun”, walking away holding their lower backs saying “they just needed to sit down for a bit”. Nothing like luzzing 12 stone of loveliness at her own kitchen ceiling 21 times! That’ll teach ’em! Must do something to address this fabulous diet I have put myself on. I don’t feel hungry, haven’t changed a thing with my eating or drinking habits, and miraculously am still gaining weight! The only thing that persuades me that this is not a problem was when walking the ASBO dog yesterday, I slightly underestimated the stability of the mud I was wading through and did the momentary splits which was so painful that the only option was to fall backwards on my sizeable arse and hope for the best. I now thank the lord for my sizeable arse as it cushioned the blow quite magnificently.

So, I now have just about nothing that is not covered in mud, I can barely show my face in the village shop and I have an Emma shaped imprint on my kitchen ceiling. The month was brought to you by the letters G and T, it’s certainly why I have so far survived it!

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