A belated and soggy happy new year to you Emma dear. Did you survive the crisis of Christmas and live to tell the tale? It’s been a month of hard knocks here and so to save you from making the same mistakes as me, herewith are the lessons that I’ve learnt in the last 4 weeks…
1. Never leave your house in the early morning to inspect the storm damage without first putting on a bra. Scooping your breasts up from your waist whilst trying to introduce yourself to your new (and handsome) neighbour is never going to create the impression you were hoping for.
2. When your husband tells you that there is no earthly chance of the house flooding, be disinclined to believe him.
3. Guinea pigs can out swim large dogs when highly motivated but the kitchen is not necessarily the best place to put this theory to the test.
4. Guinea pigs have nerves of steel.
5. Never answer the doorbell without trousers on. I am too embarrassed to even begin to elaborate on this one other than to say it involved a secret agent and you should always check the size of a table decoration before ordering on line.
6. When a mother from the school with whom you have previously had little contact, unexpectedly turns up for coffee, you can be reasonably confident that the consensus at the school gate is that you are having a nervous breakdown. It’s unwise in these circumstances to let them see you sitting on the kitchen table in your wellies whilst surrounded by flood water, composing bad poetry and drinking brandy at 9am in the morning. Apparently this does nothing to alleviate their concern.
7. Your child wont thank you if you chase the school coach they are on especially if you’re waving their pants!
8. Sleepovers and flooded kitchens don’t mix. Some mothers appear not to understand the need for boots with pyjamas.
9. When your husband tells you that there is no earthly chance of the house flooding again, be disinclined to believe him. Brandy and a bucket are likely to be your best option at this stage.
10. With enough practice, it is possible to fire guinea pig food from a toy gun into a marooned cage without too much harm to said guineas.
Emma dear as the rain starts to fall again, I’m off to inflate my dinghy and put on my waders. Hoping it’s drier where you are.