Being the accidental murderer of small family pets……

Oh Lucy, I really felt for you when I read your last letter, but I am limiting my sympathy somewhat because at least this was your ‘own’ rodent. I have the terrible misfortune of having some sort of knack of just being in a pet’s presence and them keeling over. Lovely Denise asked me to look after their pets whilst on holiday, upon their return I told her that Jazzie’s hamster was very quiet and didn’t do an awful lot to which she asked me “how was Ollie’s hamster?”………… the colour drained from my extremities, to which I slowly replied “Ollie has a hamster……………?!” Apparently it made it for a little while longer, but needed counselling for PTSD and various other counts of abuse. Not long after this, another friend asked to have her hamster whilst they were away (this lady and Denise don’t see one another very often) I of course said yes. You know it already, 4th day hamster stiff as board at the bottom of its cage. I texted my dear friend who asked me (by text message) to please try and resussitate the hamster by giving it mouth to mouth………… it was only when she got back, giggling away madly, that she admitted she was just kidding. I panicked at the time ok, thought that a witch hunt may begin……………. had a full oral hygiene appointment as soon as I could get an slot…………..

Anyway, onto brighter things, but remaining with the animal theme, as you know Lucy, I have the most beautifully behaved and most handsome dog in the village. I was just trying to get him on a lead quickly as, most out of character, he wasn’t listening to a bloody thing I was saying to him and was trampling all over the local dog loather’s garden…………….  Well, I finally got him under control, attached his lead to his collar when he sees a rabbit and tanks off in the other direction (I think it’s probably fair at this point to come clean and admit that I have only ASBO dog in the village). All would have been fine apart from the fact that the lead was still around my neck in a hangman’s noose style, this went unnoticed by the man whose garden the dog had just “visited” and my asphyxiation noises went totally unheard as he chanted gaily “ooooh, who needs more puppy training classes….ha ha ha !” I am almost unconscious at this point, wildly pointing at my neck trying to alert the man to the fact that he is about to witness “the revenge of the animals” when I managed to unclip the dogs lead. I must have looked like a deranged beetroot at this point, but the man has walked away and left me to sit quietly and serenely in the middle of the road, legs akimbo, rope burns around my neck (which by the way took quite a bit of explaining) gasping for breath.

It’s bad enough that on a daily basis I am seen being carted up the street past the school by my Labrador on a mission, but to have his murder attempt witnessed by so many sweet passing people who obviously thought I was a drunk person flailing around in the road was just too much. I need Bombay Sapphire, preferably in Bombay……………