Monday – Digging up a dead guinea pig is no way to start a week compelled as I was by the knowledge that if I didn’t, the dog would. Child 1 is distraught after guinea 1 died whilst in our neighbours care, child 2 is keen to know if we can get another, child 3 is even keener to know what a dead and decomposing guinea looks like and the dog is licking her lips. Perhaps I over did it when I said our neighbour held Maisie in her arms in her last moments because now they all want a blow by blow account of the last movements of a dying pig. Why do rodents always die when you’re away?
Tuesday – In my defence I’d had another bad start to the day with the car breaking down yet again and I really think the delivery man over reacted. My need for coffee was greater than his and he shouldn’t have left his van door open.
Wednesday – Note to self, a child with a bleeding nose can do an extraordinary amount of damage to carpets, bedding, curtains, school clothes and towels. Still cleaning up, I think I preferred the deceased guinea.
Thursday – Never mind pride coming before a fall, try smugness! It is no mean achievement to create 3 nativity costumes if you are as untalented as I am but I have been sporting the self satisfied look of someone who had set aside time next week to get creative. So was it kind of another parent to point out (as she handed in a hand stitched, intricately designed, tinsel clad master piece) that I was the only parent planning on handing them in after the nativity performance?
And my incompetence was further exposed when child 3’s teacher respectfully urged me not to get too carried away as she reminded me that my costumes for the last 2 years have resulted in 2 of my children requiring urgent medical attention. Well how was I know to know that squeezing a 6 year old into the leg of one of my tights would result in asphyxiation (and how else do you make a snail) or that child 3 would faint from over heating in a sheepskin rug (well ok I should have spotted that one as she had only recently been discharged from hospital after a febrile convulsion from excessive heat, but it’s an easy mistake to make).
Friday – My humiliation is complete dear Emma and I have officially lost my marbles. I’ve just been into the school office and all 3 classrooms in search of the Christmas cards which were lovingly designed by the children and apparently delivered last week. As mine hadn’t made it home I left all 3 teachers, the TA’s, the school administrator and the head of the PTA hard at work trying to track them down. So how do I admit Emma, having sworn blind that I haven’t received them, that as I walked away from the school I suddenly remembered they are sitting on the kitchen table and have been all week. I’ve lost the plot Emma and there are still 3 week until Christmas. Mulled wine anyone?